Though I haven't made an appearance here in some time, the last day of the year and the 35th anniversary of my birth seems like a natural time to revisit this space and share some words to close out the year.
It's been a growing season, this 2008. And for the experience I'm 75% grateful and 25% borderline post traumatic stress symptomatic. My vision of who I am and my ability to shape my own character and worldview were shaken this year in a rather humbling and sometimes frightening way. But the benefits have been enormous: trust, love, honesty--with myself, with God, with friends who I now know love me far more than I ever had imagined before. And that has made it worth it. So much energy throughout my life has gone into building a facade of independence and strength. Finally having to admit and accept that I'm fragile has been freeing. I'm learning to be kinder to myself, and as a result it's easier to be kind to others. And that's a good thing.
I've also witnessed suffering in others that has left me without words. The breakdown of marriages due to infidelity and horrible cruelty. The loss of loved ones from old age or disease. Illness and frightening diagnoses of cancer, diabetes.... My heart is heavy for these friends and acquaintances whose lives are being changed forever. And I am more grateful than ever for good health, while realizing it's not something to be taken for granted.
Friends moved away. Some of my favorite people who I can now no longer see and touch and smell and just BE with on a regular basis. They are family, and I miss them.
So it's been a sad year in ways. Scary at times. But above all, tranformative. In a good way. People I loved a year ago I now love more deeply and more honestly, if only because I realized at last just how much we need each other and how much sweeter fellowship can be when you stop trying to take care of everything yourself. I appreciate my husband's love and patience and kindness more. I trust God in a way I never have before--some days actively relying on Him for each and every breath. And my prayers are genuine and urgent and, in a word, real.
I hope that you are well and healthy, that you know you're loved, that blessings abound, and that 2009 brings all of those things and more.
