Oh, Lord, Help Me

I just thought of another of life's joys that I will no longer be allowed to indulge in thanks to my newly-discovered food allergy: Kung Pao Chicken. Somebody hug me.

I Feel Like This Sometimes

Dear Friend With Whom I'm Supposed to Go Shopping Tonight,

I feel I must warn you: You're going to be embarrassed to be seen in public with me tonight. You see, normally I leave the house for work at 7am, but this morning--because it was cold in the house but warm and cozy in my bed and my husband is working from home today so he was still there, too, and all fuzzy and huggy, but also just because I'm lazy--I didn't get out of the bed until 7am. Then I took a fast shower but had no time at all to do anything to my hair. And because it's rather wild and frizzy if left unattended, today it's sorta kinda contained in a ponytail with bits sticking out at odd angles and some short ones hanging down against my neck in the back. Don't get me started on the bangs. Thank the good Lord for headbands, huh? Then there's this other matter of not being able to wear eye makeup because of the whole getting over pinkeye thing.... So my eyes look like two teensy tiny little cranberries on a big old plate-sized pancake of a face. It's bad, and I apologize. Oh, one more thing: Because I was running late and was already feeling homely and disheveled with the hair and the lack of makeup, I threw on an old shirt that I discovered later has a stain on the front. I'm sorry. I'll understand if you want to pretend like you don't know me.

Your friend,
Denise

Nooooooooooooooo!

I was a sickly little kid. I was that poor, pathetic, perpetually red-eyed and sniffly-nosed kid (every class had one) who had to stand against the wall of the gym on the blacktop while everyone else ran around on the freshly-cut green grass. I was the one who sneezed and hacked her way through every field trip to the zoo or--God help me--the arboretum. Hay Fever Hattie, that was me. If it grows in the ground, sprouts, or buds I can pretty much guarantee you I'm allergic to it. And from the time I was about 7 until I was 18 I endured numerous torturous "scratch tests" to confirm that yes, indeed, I was still allergic to pine pollen and allergy injections to try and improve my sorry, sad-sack state. On the bright side, I had very few food allergies.

Until, that is, about a year ago. The place: The home of my future in-laws. The time: Christmas. The offending food: Black walnuts. The result: Horrible itchy red welts all over my cheeks.

I'd begun to suspect over the last few years that I might be developing some new allergies to various foods, but this was the first time I'd ever had such an immediate and unexpected reaction. (The last time was a scary incident many years ago involving all-you-can-eat jumbo shrimp and an inability to breathe. Needless to say, I'm careful about shellfish now.) So I resolved to see an allergist straightaway and get checked out. And, oh, a little over a year later (that is, a few weeks ago) I finally got around to it. (I'm a procrastinator.) And today I got the results.

And mourn.

Yes, friends, in addition to avocadoes (goodbye sweet guacamole!) and shellfish and eggs (curse you, eggs!), I am allergic to pretty much all nuts. When he first told me this I thought, Well, I've never really loved nuts. So ok. But then it hit me. Peanuts. PEANUTS. As in my beloved and and !!!!!! How can this be??? I truly don't know how I'll live without my peanut butter toast sandwiches. Oh, Lord, and what about peanut butter and jelly on fresh Wonder bread????? Or peanut butter cookies? You may as well kill me now. If I have to die, it may as well be at the hand of my sweet, beloved Simply Jif Creamy.

So I asked the doctor, "How does this food allergy thing work? Can I eat peanuts today and be just fine, and then one day next week or next month I taste one tiny morsel of nut and I immediately can't breathe and die? Does it happen that fast, or will I work up to a stronger and stronger negative reaction?" He responded by saying, "I'm going to prescribe you with an epi-pen that you should carry with you at all times along with Benadryl." Uhm, what about my question???? Why did he not answer me??? Did he know that what I was really asking was, "If I go to the store right now and buy a jumbo bag of Peanut M&Ms and gorge myself on them as a final farewell to my former life as a happy and fulfilled peanut-eating person, will I die?"

Vintage Weight Watchers Recipe Card Hilarity

Total crack up. You will not want to miss out on this.

The Last 2 Days in Review: San Diego, Aminals, and Slime

Thursday morning Matt and I drove to San Diego. It rained on and off on our way down, but by the time we got here it was beautiful. In fact, the sky looked like this: We scooped up his parents at the airport after their flight came in from Denver, enjoyed a long leisurely lunch on the beach at Island Prime, checked into our hotel, played a rousing game of Phase 10, and then all collapsed into our beds. See how committed I am to being better about blogging??? I'm out of town on vaca and am still taking the time to post. Kudos to me. Yesterday we had a phenomenal breakfast at The Mission. (I had the most scrumptious cinnamon french toast with berry puree, artfully presented and oh so delicious. Wish I'd taken a photo.) Then we headed off to the Wild Animal Park where we walked and walked and walked and walked . . . . and saw a whole mess of aminals. I mean animals. This isn't an animal; it's my husband. But moms out there, bring your kiddies 'round the computer screen, because here are some beasties. It was pretty unique and dare I say spiritual to see all the different species roaming freely together--which is something we usually see only on the Discovery Channel or something. Of course, the guide assured us that they only house herbivores together. After all, they don't want a tram full of tourists coming upon a bloody zebra carcass or anything. This is one of only 8 remaining white rhinos in the world. How sad is that? And only one of those remaining rhinos can still reproduce, so they will be extinct, for sure, in our lifetimes. This old timer is already a few years beyond the average life expectancy. Thankfully, the park has stored their DNA, so perhaps one day science will allow them to bring the species back. He's all, "Hey, I'm nearly extinct, move out of my way." "Don't give me the evil eye, water buffalo. I weigh more than twice as much as you, too, so look out." "Thanks for keeping this spot warm for me, losers. Zzzzzzzz . . . " Ooh, now check out my attractive in laws. I was really taken with this giant yellow hot air balloon. Isn't it a happy color? And so big? They didn't have it operating, though, because it was too windy. Did I mention that we walked a lot? Gads. My legs were jelly by the end of the day. We felt bad for all the moms and dads we saw pushing their lazy kids in strollers up and down all those hills.Hmm, thanks for the warning. I took like a million pictures of these gorillas, and the whole time I kept thinking, What the heck am I going to do with all these pictures of gorillas? And then one of them would scratch its head or--wowzers--inhale, and I'd snap away. Click click click.I'd been staring right at these guys for like 10 minutes when Matt came over and said, "Hey, Hon, did you see the sign about not making eye contact with them?" Uhm, no, I didn't. Then suddenly they were all looking right at me. See what I mean?Seriously, it freaked me out and I had to leave. But the highlight of the day was this baby elephant. CUTENESS. "Hey, Mama, pay attention to me!" "Didn't you hear me calling you? Here, I'll lie down right on top of this pile of hay you were trying to eat." The mama says: Sigh. I never get a single moment to myself anymore.(Matt would say this kind of behavior reminds him of a certain gal he's married to, but he's a fibber. You can't believe a word he says, for crying out loud.) I bet right now you're thinking, What a fabulous day you had, Denise! Whatever do you have planned for today? Well, let me start by saying that it took me two hours to write this post. Why? Because I had to sit with my eyes 4 inches from the screen so that I could see it through the layer of goo and slime that is covering my right eye. Yep, that's right. I woke up this morning with PINKEYE! So while Matt and his parents are out exploring Coronado Island and Balboa Park, I'm hiding out in our hotel room like a leper, squirting liquid sulfur into my eyeballs every two hours, developing hand-washing OCD, and disinfecting every surface of our room with Lysol wipes.

What I've Been Doing Instead of Blogging

1. Having the stomach flu.
2. Attending Jacob's first birthday party and being thrilled that our little stuffed lion was his favorite present of the day.
3. Celebrating Kelly's graduation from APU. Woohoo!
4. Being sick again.
5. Learning to say "Praise God" when I mean it without feeling like a holy roller.
6. Missing being with Carol on her birthday (but still being grateful that she'll always be older than me).
7. Celebrating a low-key Christmas with family in Long Beach.
8. Ringing in the new year and turning 34 (egads) with the Morrises, who spoiled me with thoughtful gifts and yummy food.
9. Spending a small fortune on office visit copays and prescription drugs.
10. Staring at pictures of Elaine and her new baby sister, Natalie.
11. Developing an addiction to Wii "Dance, Dance Revolution." Yes, really.
12. Planning a trip to Portland for February. Yay!
13. Keeping up with the blogs of friends, friends of friends, and strangers and thinking about how much more interesting my own blog would be if I had a kid, a pet, a hobby, a fascinating job, or was Mormon and crafty.
14. Missing Friend.
15. Oh yeah, getting sick--again--and spending literally an entire week in bed.
16. Falling more in love than ever with Audrey.
17. Using enough Kleenex to overflow a landfill.
18. Missing my husband while he was in Baltimore on business. (Note to murderers, rapists, and robbers who might stumble upon this blog: He's back now, so I'm no longer afraid of you.)
19. Fielding questions about why I haven't been blogging.
20. Wondering why I no longer seem to have any interest in blogging.
21. Slowly coming to the realization that I have a responsibility to the four people who meander over to this little corner of the web on a regular basis, hoping to find some inane and useless commentary from me. I will try to do better. I promise.