Nooooooooooooooo!

I was a sickly little kid. I was that poor, pathetic, perpetually red-eyed and sniffly-nosed kid (every class had one) who had to stand against the wall of the gym on the blacktop while everyone else ran around on the freshly-cut green grass. I was the one who sneezed and hacked her way through every field trip to the zoo or--God help me--the arboretum. Hay Fever Hattie, that was me. If it grows in the ground, sprouts, or buds I can pretty much guarantee you I'm allergic to it. And from the time I was about 7 until I was 18 I endured numerous torturous "scratch tests" to confirm that yes, indeed, I was still allergic to pine pollen and allergy injections to try and improve my sorry, sad-sack state. On the bright side, I had very few food allergies.

Until, that is, about a year ago. The place: The home of my future in-laws. The time: Christmas. The offending food: Black walnuts. The result: Horrible itchy red welts all over my cheeks.

I'd begun to suspect over the last few years that I might be developing some new allergies to various foods, but this was the first time I'd ever had such an immediate and unexpected reaction. (The last time was a scary incident many years ago involving all-you-can-eat jumbo shrimp and an inability to breathe. Needless to say, I'm careful about shellfish now.) So I resolved to see an allergist straightaway and get checked out. And, oh, a little over a year later (that is, a few weeks ago) I finally got around to it. (I'm a procrastinator.) And today I got the results.

And mourn.

Yes, friends, in addition to avocadoes (goodbye sweet guacamole!) and shellfish and eggs (curse you, eggs!), I am allergic to pretty much all nuts. When he first told me this I thought, Well, I've never really loved nuts. So ok. But then it hit me. Peanuts. PEANUTS. As in my beloved and and !!!!!! How can this be??? I truly don't know how I'll live without my peanut butter toast sandwiches. Oh, Lord, and what about peanut butter and jelly on fresh Wonder bread????? Or peanut butter cookies? You may as well kill me now. If I have to die, it may as well be at the hand of my sweet, beloved Simply Jif Creamy.

So I asked the doctor, "How does this food allergy thing work? Can I eat peanuts today and be just fine, and then one day next week or next month I taste one tiny morsel of nut and I immediately can't breathe and die? Does it happen that fast, or will I work up to a stronger and stronger negative reaction?" He responded by saying, "I'm going to prescribe you with an epi-pen that you should carry with you at all times along with Benadryl." Uhm, what about my question???? Why did he not answer me??? Did he know that what I was really asking was, "If I go to the store right now and buy a jumbo bag of Peanut M&Ms and gorge myself on them as a final farewell to my former life as a happy and fulfilled peanut-eating person, will I die?"