I'm Just Saying . . .

zombie: (n) A reanimated human body devoid of consciousness. In contemporary versions these are generally undead corpses.

Matt: (n) My husband and 36-year-old recovering surgical patient.
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Zombie Fact #1: They're usually brought back from the dead by supernatural or scientific means.

Matt Fact #1: Ok, so maybe he was never actually dead-dead, but he was knocked out for a good three hours by some powerful drugs that made him "dead to the world." And he was brought back by scientific means. Because doctors are scientists, right?

Zombie Fact #2: They eat the flesh or brains of the living.

Matt Fact #2: He eats what I bring upstairs for him. If he was hungry enough and I brought him sweetbreads, I think he'd eat them. And he has eaten hot dogs, and those are pretty close, no?

Zombie Fact #3: They have very limited intelligence.

Matt Fact #3: Is this in comparison to their level of intelligence before they became zombies, or no? I'm just asking. More info is needed to answer this one fairly.

Zombie Fact #4: They're slow, uncoordinated, and walk in a wooden fashion with their arms outstretched.

Matt Fact #4: Matt is slow, uncoordinated, and sorta teeters on his crutches when he hops one-legged to the bathroom and back.

Zombie Fact #5: They have limited ability to communicate and, lacking the ability to form words, often moan loudly instead.

Matt Fact #5: When he sleeps Matt makes an unearthly racket that sounds something like: GRUUUUGH GRUUUUUGH GRUUUUGH. And when he's awake it's not at all uncommon for him to moan to himself.

Zombie Fact #6: They frequently have open and/or oozing wounds.

Matt Fact #6: Ugh, yes, he has those too.